...

What each dot represents here is..

1. a dot for home, the little red dot.

2. a dot for little white snowflake that is gone; and will never come again.

3. and the final dot, for the black dot that just signifies the end



Today, Davina Dear pointed out the star above the crescent moon,

above the horizon, above the ground.

And, just being under the stars make you wonder.

If ever anyone has an "emo" side, it sure is now.

Its been so long since I last really felt sad; even leaving to Zurich did not feel so sad at all.

Being here, though not necessarily a dream come true (so far), does not make me sad.

I'm not homesick at all.



Is this a sign of growing up? Or is this a sign that I have lost that integral part of me which chooses not to rationalize everything.

I never realized growing up to be so hard, but now that i'm grown up.

I never realized the mid-life crisis to hit so hard; and so early.

Am i Old?



One fact points away from the answer to that question being yes; the simple fact that i'm blogging here. And a mature person can definitely handle his own emotions and keep his personal thoughts to himself.

But is mature where I want to go, where i want to be?



I see Yean Ching missing her friends, I see people just having such excitement seeing Europe.

I've been there, I've done that. I miss my friends too. Whats new?

It all just seems to old.... Whats new is not going on a holiday. Whats new is like working, building a family; and truly this just points in the opposite direction. I am Old.

So whats happening really?



I used to feel this way. When everyone went clubbing, when everyone just were thrill seekers.

But here, everybody still is.

What so special about a foreign land?



I might look young, but truly; this is one experience that i've been through.

Having the eternal in mind, seeing all the passing experiences others have.

I really don't know whether to sigh at myself, or at others.

Am i losing out, or are they losing out?

Or frankly, probably neither of us are losing out; but....

well, the question is... What is happening?



To see heaven and not touch it.

Or to not see heaven, but touch it.

ISN't that what happiness and joy is?



To me, we are all hypocrites; partly stemming from the fact that we're sinners and no one is perfect. Even those that don't recognize it are hypocrites themselves. It just doesn't stop there.

These days, I can examine myself, and nothing i ever say or do is completely or totally right.

Or even right in any sense of the word. There's always an element of wrong to it.

But in wrong, we christians, know we can see right.



And its the heart to change that matters.



Heaven is the best place on earth.

Whats depressing about eternity is that, in the midst of going there; something was eventually lost.

But then again, does it matter?



IT does. But we cannot lose ourselves in the process of making it as right and as perfect as we possibly can/want it to be.

i admit i feel bad; because I remember that things can always go out of your control, whether it goes bad or good. When it goes well, we praise God... when it goes bad, i'm sorry.

Life is never what it seems, and birthdays are a passing celebration.
What lasts longer is the meaning and reason behind why it came to fruitition.

23rd Feb, will never be more important to me than 13th Nov.
For 23rd Feb, another sinner was born, to pollute e world; worse than it already was.

Reflections

I'm now blogging in the school computer centre cos the internet in my hostel has been down for 2 days already, and i have to wait for another 15 mins at least to get my notes printed. Having the internet down really reminds me of how much we depend on IT, and begs the question as to whether the Internet is really indispensable to our lives now.

Anyway, school hasn't been really good for me, partly cos i am still struggling to deal with my inner emotions..an old time problem. These days i have been thinking and am reminded that Man will always fail man in someway or another, but God will never fail Man. And we shouldn't fully place our hopes on Man, but our hopes should be centered around God. I too have been questioning on why i'm always being affected by people, and why it bothers me when i simply don't understand the choices and actions people make sometimes. But then again, i realised it's not up to my control for we all have our free will. Just today, i was just thinking....maybe all the topsy-turvy feelings i'm having right now is purely because of myself, for i chose to be affected and failed to control my emotions.

Being a christian, I realised that it's harder than it seems to love people whom you find it hard to love, and especially so when you've been hurt greatly by someone before. Yet, nobody truly understands other than God. It's not about unforgiveness, it's about letting go my inner fears. I know that God has a plan, and sometimes, friendships are just not meant to be. Well... it seems like i'm back in square 1 again as always... but i choose to take it as a time of learning, a time of seeking, a time of discerning, and a time to be refreshed in His presence. I pray that whatever happens, God will show me the way and the right words and actions that i should carry out...so that whoever it may be, will be able to see love that is from Christ.

And the two of us, knowing whats in the bratwursts but enjoying every bit of it from our favourite bratwurst store

one road leads to heaven, the other to earth.

A man made flower; woven as beautifully as a natural one; yet so imperfect at its seams.

Lucerne; the thousands of majestic metres above the fallenness of mankind.

Paradox of paradoxes, its all been a paradox.

That it can be a winter wonderland, yet such gloomy skies;
that grass is always greener on the other side;
and happiness can be so short lived.

What today brings, will never be the same tomorrow.
that with a single action, another can change my life, my mood so drastically;
and a picture never seems to be finished.

it seems ironical, that what wants in unity; can never be fulfilled,
as God made individuals to have their own choices.
But no one realizes, how much these choices affect another.

Sometimes I will not understand the choices another makes.
For even before consequences seem to arrive,
something was lost; something was never the same.
And it seems so lost in us, and hope gave up.

We can wonder for hours, days or even years;
we can search for answers, we can lose ourselves.
Our emotions runneth over, but yet we still remain not a step outside the zone in which we started with.
we can be in Zurich, yet still feel at home.
Home is still our refuge; God is still our refuge.
But while he is with us, why does our heart still feel empty?

Are we running on empty? Are we running with God, or are we
running races against the devil; and feeling so helpless and he seems to conquer our lives.
Can one trust God to vanquish these evil spirits, to warm our muscles, to help us run?
Or should we trust God for moving clouds, which sweep us off our feet; take us out of the race.
And still, there remains a million unanswered questions.

Can we simply say we listen to God, are all of us even capable of doing that?
Can we say we are right, or even half-right? That with God, we fear nothing?
But inside us, the paradox remains; we are trapped by the inadequacy of our finiteness;
stuck in the race to glory, our sinful hearts.

Each person is a paradox.
And 2 people is a paradox to the power of 2.
Give 5, take 32 in return.
But what if one person was a paradox in reverse?

That would totally mess things up...
Am i that paradox in reverse, or is he/she that paradox in reverse?

I don't know.
Ich einfach verstehe nicht.

But what i know, is where my trust lies, and where my trust was lost.
Where i'm right, and where I've gone wrong.
And thats the beauty of the Holy Spirit living in me.

Happy Valentine's / Friendship Day

To dear, happy valentine's day! Thank you for the photoframe and the dinner u prepared today :) so sweet of you! hugggs.

We went out to Winterthur today with a few other friends (Yao wen, anitha and yeanching), and it was freezing! It's a beautiful old town, but not as nice as lucerne. There wasn't much to do cos it was saturday and the weather wasn't nice enough to walk around for long. We had some snowball fights, made a snowman, and shivered in the cold. It was quite memorable that we took a long time to find a place to have lunch cos we dont wanna pay and eat our da-pao sandwiches in restaurants and cafe...so we found an empty renovated shop, and sat on the staircase inside to have our lunch....quite pathetic, but it was funny and cosy. Walked up the hill, and got a good aerial view of winterthur but the scenery is kinda spoilt by some industrialized high-rise buildings and a crane due to renovation. So that was how we all spent our valentine's day!

To my dear friends, happy firendship day! miss all of you back home, hope everyone is doing great! tag me and update me!! i do miss home and the sunny, humid weather!! =)

Things took a turn today. Well, basically, I prayed hard last night while lying on the bed waiting to fall asleep...praying that God would instil a sense of awakening to her. She was suffering last night, tossing and turning in the bed cos her head was too heavy. And i prayed that God would take away her pain and allow her to fall into sleep so she'ld be in good shape today. Thankfully she finally got into sleep at around 2am i think, so i managed to get some sleep too since i'm a light sleeper. So, when i was awake this morning, and she was awake too, i prayed that God would somehow help us to communicate that I would be able to talk to her firmly yet gently. I woke up, and went straight to wash up. When i came out of the toilet, she asked me " Davina, did i do anything bad yesterday? " I was quite afraid actually, because i don't know how to put words across. But somehow, i just spoke and told her how it wasn't very nice of her to drink and drunk...when she's not staying alone, but with me and how things might get worse the next time...because she can't hold her liquour well in the first place. The words from my mouth came out pretty harsh, but i told her too, that i don't hold it against her...cos i know she realised her wrong and her bad. Well, thank God because she told me how sorry it was and that it's actually her 1st itme going past her alcohol limit....and she promised me too, that it won't happen again. We'll see, time will tell :) But I'm really happy that she was aware and considered me. Thank God for giving me the guts to express my feelings to her.

Upsetment

My roommate has been drinking the past 2 nights. It wasn't so bad last night cos at least she was partially sane, but today it was horrible. She was all tipsy, blasting the music, screaming and shouting, smelt of alcohol, and was drinking with a 3rd floor guy all alone in MY room. I was terribly disgusted and shocked. I didn't flare up, nor did i scold her, but i was burning within. Okay, she's only 19 and i should understand that she's still young and ignorant...but i was hoping she could at least show me some respect that half of the room is mine. Perhaps she's tipsy and doesn't know what's going on, but i really think it this way... if you can't drink, don't drink! It's a horrible sight to be seen drunk. No offense to anyone, but it was just overwhelming for me cos it's also my first time seeing a woman drunk upclose...and i have to live with her for 6 mths.

It's annoying because I simply don't understand what God's plan is. The main worry for me when i first knew i had a double room was to have a room mate that drinks and clubs, cos i really can't tolerate that. I need peace and quiet in my room, and i certainly don't want her to affect my studies as well. It was just so emotional for me, cos it totally ruined my entire day. But, i was also reminded by dear and erlin that i should be patient, and perhaps God wants me to learn to be firm and that she may see Christ in me and change for the better. However so, it's still gonna be real tough for me, and i don't know if it'll make my exchange here unbearable. Please pray for me to be patient and firm yet showing love to her. I personally find it really hard to express my personal feelings esp negative ones to another person....and i thus end up swallowing up all these upsetment and exercised endurance. If i really can't take it anymore, i might just want to change to a single room. Bah, i'll never make myself drunk. Guide me, Lord.

A time of learning

It's almost 1.5 weeks since i arrived at Zurich. Living with a roommate is certainly not easy. Personally, it's my first time, and so there's a lot for me to adjust and learn. I was reflecting this morning, and dawned on me that both my room mate and i are actually very different in terms of personality. We have different religions, different habits, different standards of hygiene, different ways of upkeeping our room. Thus, sometimes, our differences do clash, and either i or her have to accommodate. She's a nice girl, but perhaps a little young since she's only 19....so there're lesser topics that i can relate to her with i feel.

Erlin was saying that it's better to have a room mate whom you're not so close with...so that gives lesser conflicts since you won't know her so well. But come to think of it, i beg to differ. Just like in a relationship, i personally feel my other half needs to have a personality more similar rather than different from me. Sometimes, the 'complement' thing just doesn't work all the time.

No, i'm not complaining abt my roommate. She's nice and very interesting :) And i'm contented. Just that when 2 person lives together, each of us must exercise patience, love, and know when to give and when to be firm and stick to your principles.

Day Trip to Lucerne

Being amateurs in planning for trips, we arranged to wake up at 4.30am and head our way down to lucerne yesterday. Lo and behold, we reached there at around 6.30am, and lucerne was in total darkness. Everywhere was more or less closed other than a hotel which we stayed in there to grab maps and to keep warm. It was -1 degree centigrade when we reached there. Freezing cold. But when the sun began to come out, wow, lucerne was and is very beautiful. Thank God for the very beautiful weather, the sun was out and the sky was partly blue and cloudy. So, we headed for the Tourist Centre...and enquired about the renowed Mt Pilatus. Since it was only 36 CHF with our half fare card, off we went! Going up Mt Pilatus was the best highlight of our trip.

I've never seen so much snow in my life. The view up the cable car and at the peak of the mountain was breathtaking. I can't describe it.. it felt so surreal that i'm in the midst of sun, snow, mountains, winter trees. It's like a fantasy, a winter wonderland. Of course, we were greeted with the freezing temperature of -5 degrees up there. And to our pleasant surprise, we found out that we could sled down the mountain for free. Without hesistating, we went sledding...we all thought that it'ld just be a short jouney down, but who knows! We had to sled all the way down the entire mountain...which we took about 1.5-2 hours! It was tons and tons and tons of fun, tumbling and falling face flat in the soft powdery snow, absorbing the magnificent view, screaming our lungs out while sledding down steep slopes. To be frank, it's not very safe cos there weren't any instructions on how to use the sled, and we actually chose the difficult route cos we wanted the fun. Many times, we couldn't control our sleds and bumped into a huge pile of snow. For me, i couldn't slowed down, and ended up bumping the sled on my butt which was really painful, but thankfully, nothing serious. I could still continue walking and playing with snow. The experience is unforgettable, undescribable. Afterwhich, we headed to visit the old town, the lion monument, and the very famous chapel bridge with our icy soaked jeans and gloves.

I guess, it's not just about the fun. The company was great. 3 of us had so much of laughter and teasing, and of course whining about the cold and our physical tiredness. All in all, it was a great trip, a great experience! And of course, i really thank God for granting us this wonderful opportunity to witness His magnifcent creation and glory, and for journey mercy throughout the day. :)

today, went to lucerne.
it was = winter wonderland, and thus i imagine that Jungfrau is overhyped.
Lucerne or Pilatus - Colder Winds = Jungfrau

Now,
Everyone seems to settle down, and shift into their own identity; be it good or bad.
Some seem nicer, and some not so.

Even a little bit of my ego is starting to show, and i must definitely remember its not always about who is better; even though Singapore brought me up that way.
I have to admit, i'm not that great, but i always try to be better.

Well, all in all. God's creation is majestic.
There are people who see the good in God's works; and i just hope they see the good in their lives too.

On a separate note, i do hope things with ETH Zurich settles down.
And i also pray that somehow, we might repair our broken image; of Singaporeans.

Thank you also to Uncle Chung Chi and Auntie Pooh Lii, Uncle Frips and Auntie May for all
the blessings showered upon us. Truly appreciated, always remembered.

My 1st post here

Sorry for the lack of updates here. I've been wanting to blog, but the wireless here is really slow. I tried uploading just 1 photo on blogspot today, and it failed for 3 times until i gave up, so there hasn't been any pics here. Facebook is better, but i can only upload 10 pictures at a time which would take like 15 mins at least. Bleah. It's so slow, it's so hard to surf the net haha.



But anyway, i'm slowly adjusting to the new environment here. There has been ups and downs. Thank you all who took the effort to come down to send us off and also those who called and msged. I'm really so touched, i held my tears till i entered the departure gate. I was quite homesick for the past few days but it's getting slightly better now. I really do miss home; miss the convenience back home where i don't have to think about my meals 3 times a day; miss the conveniece of leaving the dishes in the sink and my maid mabel would nicely clean for me; miss the fact that i don't have to wash my own clothes; miss the days where i don't have to worry how messy or dirty my room is cos i know my maid will clean it everyday. Life is different now, and i've got a roomie....it feels weird still cos i haven't shared with anyone my room before. There's less privacy and i've got to learn to accommodate.



Things here are extremely expensive, which is a main concern cos we would always think thrice everytime we buy our groceries...and that's a headache. We have to think of the expiry date, look at cheaper alternatives, think about the storage space blah blah blah. Every single meal. It's TIRING. And washing up is a chore also. I guess we have to get used to it.



The culture here is really different, and we realised switzerland is not as democratic and transparent as what we thought / learnt in social studies. Double standards are common here, and it gets really frustrating. Many times it depends on luck and the person serving you. Some of us had to pay 120 CHF for our residence permit, some others juts paid 20CHF, some got it free. And it alll depends on luck. Sounds stupid, but we really couldn't argue our way through...it depends on your luck. And studying at ETH is not nice....everything is so rigid, and the exams are so subjective...since it's oral exams, whether you do well or not depends largely on the professor...and i heard they can be very biased.



Weather here has been nice. It snowed on the very first day we arrived, which was a prayer answered by God as i really wanted to see falling snow. Strange because Andreas said the weather is getting warmer and it'ld be unlikely for us to see falling snow...but we did on that day. Subsequently, it hasn't snowed so far... So, that's a dream come true. Snowing is beautiful, and we were all so happy and excited. It's gradually getting warmer, but it's still cooling and nice (about 3-4 degrees).



Hope everything is fine back at home. Being away really makes me realise how fortunate and blessed i am in singapore. I miss my family, I miss my friends, and truthfully, I think NUS might be better than ETH. We shall see. We haven't travelled out of zurich yet, but hopefully, we tog with erlin can go visit Lucerne next monday. Despite the downs, switzerland is a really nice place. It's pretty and the people here are rather friendly and



Will try uploading pics till it's successful (depending on how patient i can get). But i'll cont uploading pics on facebook (cos at least it works!)...so visit my facebook for some pics! :)

Today; for dinner,



Spent CHF 11.35 / 5 = CHF 2.27 for chicken;

Spent CHF 2.10/10 = CHF 0.21 for vege;

Spent CHF 1.15/10 = CHF 0.115 for spaghetti

Spent CHF 2.00?/10 = CHF 0.20 for the tomato sauce

Spent CHF 0.10 approximately for garlic and onion



Bringing the grand total to CHF 2. 895 for 3 people.

Taking into account the conversion of approximately 1.33 it is SGD 3.805

Which is SGD 1.30 per person.



Not bad at all! Just that maybe we really undercooked; haha

and it wasn't so tasty cos we were trying to scrimp and save.





Secondly, we also quit the German Course to save CHF40.

Which we did because we felt the learning curve was too steep and stressful,

and the course did not really meet what we expected out of it, which was to converse with the swiss.



But we still learnt a bit... a teeny little bit of german.

But we saved ourselves from a lot of stress; and exchange isn't supposed to be that stressful isn't it?

The thing that strikes me most about my hostel room is how quiet it is.
I really need a fan, really.
I like the whirring; it keeps me company when i'm alone at night.
Its just uneasy listening to my keyboard chatter,
and to the msn ring,
the silence is just simply too quiet, and so easily broken.

Feels a little bit different, culture is tremendously different; and i am trying to adapt. not used to seeing these europeans tower over me; feel so small and short. And they're such party-ers! I'm small and old now; that is definitely strange

Highlight of Today, is that i changed the bulb of my room light to make it more bright and cheery!

Also, i have red curtains, just like home. Don't have those really wonderful red walls though.

But, i really need some wind, the wind reminds me of God's presence.
The wind outside, however, is too chilly.